I stepped out at 6:30 in the morning several days ago. The air was so pure. The snow was coming down and I looked around and it was beautiful. It was cold and the snow flakes whisked past my face. I just stood there. We were about to go home from our few days at the cabin. As I walked up to the car and looked around, I don't believe there was anything more perfect. Then a few minutes later I found something that added to the beauty to the point the beauty became the perfect moment. This time I caught it on the camera. My wife and my youngest son. Nothing could be more perfect. I knew from the days before that the glow in my wife's eyes were because of us. I know my heart held a steady beat, each beat keeping me alive to spend it with her. That day was my day. That day I will hold on to forever.
Now I will say it has not been that for a long time. I went a long time holding onto the past. Holding onto the things that I have done wrong, the things people have done to me. I was the perfect example of a man with a hardened heart. I was walking in the footsteps of two masters. One that loved me and died for me, and one that wanted me to find a path to somewhere nobody wants to go. I didn't believe that people really had my best interest in mind. They were like friends of old that said they had my back, but they also had a knife ready to stab you with. I found out several weeks ago the true meaning of brother and sisterly love. I found out that we have a creator, and the life most live is just existing, it was not living.
The year and a half has been the worst in my life. I won't go into details, because frankly its' my past and I left it in the hills of Hocking county. I would like to think they are lost for good. Anyways, a few weeks ago, we had a LOS meeting at our house. Our LOS meetings are for LOS leaders. As we were talking our pastor walked in. Didn't say anything, just started eating my Christmas cookies. To tell you the truth I was afraid he was going to eat the last of my favorite. You know the peanut butter ones with the kiss in the middle. Don't laugh I have a picture of one that my daughter made me. Okay back to the story. So, our pastor was there and then one of my favorite sisters (she is more of a sister then any of the sisters I grew up with) walked in and then her husband. The another one of my sisters walked in. At this point our room was full. As we ended the meeting I looked at my wife. Her eyes gave it away. This was not just a gathering of friends. I was the center of an intervention. My world was about to change. I didn't know how, but it was. I sat there and my good friend Ward started it off. Then one by one my friends said their thoughts. They told me how in the last few months I have changed. The fact was I already knew this, but who gave these people permission to come into my home, and tell me my faults. It was God! The one who brought these special people into my life in the first place. That night I learned a lot. It's kind of funny, I can hear our Lord when he directs me to do something, but I was never very good at hearing my friends. Like I said, friends are not there for your best interest. That night I found that a true friend is a brother or sister that loves you unconditionally. A friend will be there, and will tell you how it is. They are there to make sure you stay on that little path leading to our Father. I knew I was messed up and needed help. And my best friend, aka my wife, brought together my friends; no my brothers and sisters to show me love that I didn't deserve. For that I can preach that the love of Christ is real, even though I believed it, I have now seen it first hand and it has brought glory to our marriage and our home. I now trust these fellow Christians. I thank Ward, Lisa, Nicole, Shawn, Pastor Ben, Melody, Jason, Katherine, Steve and my wife. And the brothers Mark and David who were praying for me during this hard time. I know there is no need to print their name, but they have softened a hard heart and they have shown me that we need each other. I was under Satan's attack and he had me. I was lost and there was not a light showing me home, until that evening. To me, I was born again that night. I now see beauty like I have never seen it before. I cannot wait to share this new found love. I thought I could love before. but my heart needed healed from all the scars I carried around. Now it's time to get my worship back on and get out there and share the love of our Lord. I may have had a home and a family, but I was lost and God has sent Angels to my home. It makes me laugh. My Angels smoke electronic cigarettes, and one stays at our house eating baked potatoes with cheese and bacon at all hours of the night. One thinks he is the master of Euchre and one is even a Buckeye fan, but never the less they are Angels to me The biggest one in my eyes is my bride. She could have walked away, and I believe almost every woman would have, but she kept praying and she kept telling me that our vow to our Lord is sacred and she was not giving up. Nicole Bartlett Hogan you are my Angel and my strength when I am weak. To me there was a miracle when I met you, from the time I met you I have never felt worthier. I now know that for a fact that God does not make mistakes, and all the blessings that the Light of Salvation has seen, and all the wonderful people that have joined us, God would not have loaned us the privilege of serving in such a wonderful ministry.
Why would a minister publicly announce that he had a problem? Especially one that has founded a ministry. Because I prayed on this and I know that there have been people not coming out and serving because they feel unworthy. I am a co-founder of Light of Salvation ministry, I am a husband and I am a forgiven sinner. My life is different than yours, because chances are my sins out weigh yours and I am forgiven. If you don't believe me ask everyone in that room from several weeks ago.
Light of Salvation has seen so many wonderful things. We have seen Churches come together and work as the hands and feet. When we are in our in our circle we look down at our feet. You listen to the prayers and you can't tell who is from what church, you can't tell if the words of worship are coming from the homeless or maybe a guy that was driving by and wanted in on our prayer action (true story).
I am always giving blogs on why people should be out serving. Not this blog. This blog is two things. An apology for being a little crazy for the last few months and a thanks for four years of ministry and sharing life with so many wonderful brothers and sisters. I have grown to admire a lot of people. Until being introduced to Christ, I admired 2 people in my life. I now believe there might have been people in my life I didn't give a fair shake. But that Lion King monkey said it best, "it doesn't matter, it was in the past." Yes, I am 46 and I recited from a Disney movie. If you want to make something of it, take it up with my wife. LOL!!!!! Katherine will be proud of me.
So, what causes a man with a loving wife, 9 beautiful kids, a great church and many loving true friends go into the dark place I was in? Well, it's like this. I have been through almost everything possible that could hurt me. I have fought my entire life and have had some pretty terrible things happen in my life. Some brag that an Irishman loves a good fight. That is true, when it comes to fist fights. We are beyond the era of fist. The fights are now guns, knives and anything possible to hurt you. There is no such thing as a fair fight. I am not proud to say I was not a fair fighter either. I would be the type of guy to bring a gun to a knife fight. I'm not into all that anymore. I found fear for the first time from the woman above. This lady I respected more than anything. I loved her more than my mother who couldn't stand me. This lady is my Grandmother. She was proud of her Irish heritage and she was proud of her boys. I have never seen her cry, but have many times seen her make others cry. She didn't like something, you knew. I loved her so very much. Grandma got sick one day and it got worse. She blew it off and even in the hospital at first she was strong. Then I found my kryptonite. As we were talking to the doctors, I peaked around the corner and I caught my Grandma's eyes. They locked onto mine. The life instantly left her eyes and a single tear dropped from her eye. She knew her time was up, and she was scared. I saw the one person I have never seen afraid scared, and it made me scared and sad. I was afraid of feelings. I could not handle feelings. Not the ones that didn't make you feel good. I can handle love, joy and all the easy feelings, it was the hard ones I can't deal with. This last year I have had to deal with feelings that I thought I would never have to deal with. It wasn't a feeling here then another one a month later. It was all at once. And then it continued. Then fear was there, and for someone who was not afraid of much becoming afraid was hard on me. I will be honest, you know that tear my grandma shed? Take that one and add 200+ . That alone is hard to admit. My heart grew hard. I tried to break lose of this, but it was not easy. Many people tried, but fear is a powerful thing. It is a tool that Satan uses and he had it in full strength. I will tell you this, Satan planned this attack over 10 years ago, and that punk is very patient. However, you know, if there was ever a success story, it will be this family, Team Hogan and we have the best coach. Satan score 1,000,000 Hogan family 10. 10 is just a starting number and we have a lifetime plus to even the score.
I know I have been everything I don't believe in. I let people down. I lost people in my life that well I didn't belong. For that I am sorry. I can do two things. I can for forgiveness for not being the leader or husband I needed to be, and tell the ones that decided our friendship was not worth their time, I am sorry. Michael Hogan aka Pastor Bubba and team Hogan is back. LOS is already planning huge things for the new year and I pray you all are aboard. We had a meeting last night with the team and they are my true brothers and sisters.
Satan continues to attack. With my health, cancer, brain leak, tumors on the heart valve, but I have an amazing healer. I trust that he has put me on this earth for a reason, and I know that I have only begun my fight against Satan. God is awesome. In his time, with his love, under his commandment, I will get better. I ask prayers for my wife and kids because I see the pain in their beautiful eyes.
Since we are in prayer, I ask that you pray for a couple more people. My Aunt Sherrie had surgery and hopefully by the time this is posted she is home. One of my best friends is going through a horrible time for the last year in a bad relationship. Some of you know the situation. He is such a man of God, but Satan has found his weak point and is beating him up. I love my brother and I ask for prayers. And last please pray for the campers. It is horrible out there and we have lost campers. The last I heard we have lost 3 so far this winter. Names will be posted under our LOS site prayer request. My friends, thank you for what you all do for LOS. Thank you for what you do for my family. God is very much involved in all we do and you being part of our lives is a blessing.
With so much love,
Your Brother in Christ,
Michael Hogan
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